


And he wandered very far...

by Nelioe



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Tribe, Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Human Sacrifice, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Rebirth, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 13:12:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9608969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelioe/pseuds/Nelioe
Summary: Fill for the WinterFRE: 160. I’m destined to die in 2 weeks but I just met you and want to do all my life goals before dying





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this turned out very good, but well... I had the idea and went with it. :')

 

 

Kili felt numb. He could hear the drums outside, a rhythm of celebration interspersed with the singing of their people. The turn of the century was close and he had been chosen as the sacrifice. The shamans claimed it was the decision of their Gods and usually he would believe such words. Right now it was hard, though. This time they wouldn’t sacrifice jewels, strands of hair or a part of the game they had brought home. In two weeks it would be him and his blood that would turn the golden stones red in exchange for another prosperous century.

It shouldn’t surprise him so much to sit in a fancy chamber filled with illustrious food and jewels. He was even allowed to ask for whores or request young girls to sire a child if he wished. Kili just had to ask and it would be granted. They would do everything to keep him happy, their chosen one, their warrior, the one they trusted to entertain the Gods in the afterlife to receive their blessing. No one dared to send just anyone, it had to be a warrior, strong in will and body, clever enough to be a worthy opponent… at least for a while.

Kili felt like he was neither of those. Sure, he had always wanted to become a warrior, despite knowing what kind of fate would await one of them when they entered another century. He had just never expected they would choose him of all people. After all, there was nothing special about him. Before being accepted into the array of brave fighters, Kili had been with the hunters. Fast and nimble finding his way through the thick forest, his arrows had never missed their mark. Yet he merely knew how to fool animals, but not the strategies of war. He was no leader or a general, at best he could work as a silent assassin. For a while he’d even wondered how they had accepted him, but since no war was going on they might have gone easy on some of the eager lads hoping for acknowledgment and glory.

And now look where his stupid dreams had gotten him. Destined to die on two weeks…

Kili blinked, trying to climb out of the empty void he was swimming in ever since the shaman had called his name, instead he was drowning. Why was this happening… to him of all people? He was new and young and so unexperienced. Surely he was dreaming and when he opened his eyes the next morning he would laugh about this weird nightmare. Yet the festivity outside continued.

The curtain was drawn, startling the brunet, as a man entered the chamber. Long golden hair flooded wavelike over his naked shoulders, the soft apologetic expression on his features pulled Kili from his apathetic state. His attention was easily drawn to the other and the jewels dangling around his neck, the golden chest hair curling on his skin and the long green skirt running to his ankles. The fabric looked smooth and expensive, revealing him as a noble man, perhaps the son of a shaman. It would make sense with his skilfully braided hair and the fact that no one else would be allowed to enter these chambers.

Raising a his hand to his heart the blond greeted him.

“Please excuse my sudden entrance, child of God, I was sent to help you dress for the ceremony.”

Kili grimaced. All of their people would be there to thank him for his sacrifice. It was a part on his way to the slaughterer. The only thing that was worse than stepping out there and hearing them cheer for his approaching death was the title he had been given.

“Please, call me Kili.” It was supposed to sound like a simple request, but even Kili could hear the hint of desperation in his voice, pushing it closer to begging. _Please, don’t take everything from me._

The blond smiled sadly.

“It is nice to meet you, Kili. My name is Fili and I wish we could’ve met under different circumstances.”

A familiar shiver of curiosity stirred within him. Everyone he’d talked to from the moment he’d been chosen congratulated him. A great honour was bestowed on him, where the end of his life was a minor factor it didn’t matter. It was such an intense contrast to the way Fili addressed him, the brunet had trouble comprehending it.

“The shamans want to see you in ruby-coloured garments,” Fili informed him, as he headed towards the chest at the back of the room.

Sighing, Kili averted his eyes, feeling the numbness seep back into his mind. Red like the blood they would drain from his body with the sharpest knife. He shivered, remembering the gruesome pictures chiselled in the stone of the temple.

“But I think,” the blond’s voice surprised him, “blue is your colour.”

He barely trusted his own eyes when Fili pulled a dark blue skirt from the chest.

“Isn’t that against the rules?” Kili could hear himself stammer.

“Actually, dictating you what to wear is. The last two weeks are yours. You can have everything you want and I’m here to make sure you receive it.”

Everything…, even everything had its limits. What he really wanted was to live, he couldn’t care less about the choice of clothes.

“I know,” Fili said softly as if he’d read his mind.

Lowering his head in shame, he turned his back on the other man. All of this was supposed to be an honour. He should face it with bravery and pride. What would the Gods say about such a pathetic sacrifice? Kili was able to secure a happy and safe life for all of these people and generations after them and the only thing he was thinking about was his own. Because that was all there was to it. A thing… his life… it wasn’t more than an insect in the big picture. No one would mourn him and he would be forgotten like all the others before him…

“The Gods aren’t cruel.”

“Are you speaking with them, too?” Kili wondered resignedly, he didn’t really want to hear the answer.

“Sometimes,” Fili told him nevertheless. “It’s how I know the end is never the end.”

Kili frowned, wanting to ask what the other was trying to tell him, but before he could open his mouth, Fili was already standing in front of him, holding the skirt and a belt. The buckle was formed in the shape of a wolf’s head, the animal Kili had shot during his first hunt.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It took four days until Kili was ready to think about using the privileges his status was granting him. Four days, which he spent in a numb state of depression, occasionally chatting with Fili. The blond kept his word, he listened to his every need and attempted to make his last days as pleasant as possible.

Then, on the fourth day, it broke out of him. There was rage and sadness, mixed with so much helpless energy that not even destroying the furniture of his chamber could dispel the shivering from his limbs. He felt like bursting or choking or whatever this strange wave of emotions was planning to do with him. It was too much and cruel, as if the whole world was mocking him.

For a moment he lost himself and when he got aware again, he was crying openly. Someone was holding him, stroking his hair and whispering sweet words of affection against his brow and wouldn’t let go until he drifted into an exhausted sleep. Kili felt loved and secure in this embrace.

It had to be some sort of dream, though, for the brunet could’ve sworn he’d heard Fili’s voice. And while he enjoyed his company and was grateful to have someone to talk to, four days seemed far too few to hold him with such care.

Either way, Kili ordered a carafe with wine. Considered too young to drink he hadn’t tasted anything like that before.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“There has to be something else.”

“There isn’t.”

“Kili, I know that’s not true.”

“How would you be able to tell? It’s not like we know each other.”

This forced Fili to pause briefly and Kili was thankful for the little break. He knew the blond meant well, but there wasn’t anything piquing his interest.

“I know you,” Fili said eventually, a little more careful this time. “I saw you on the streets so often and you were always smiling and curious. You are-,“ he faltered, “ _seemed_ like the paragon of life whenever I spotted you. There has to be something.”

“I’m telling you, becoming a warrior was the only thing I dreamed of.”

“You have become a warrior months ago. Don’t tell me there wasn’t anything else your gaze went to.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Is it how you imagined?” he didn’t have to know Fili long to notice the smirk audible in his voice.

Kili curled his toes in the wet sand as another wave began to lap around his ankles. The sounds of the sea were oddly comforting, as if they could carry him off to a better place if he just dared to ask them.  Even the air was different, fresh and…

“I didn’t know there is water like this.”

Salty, but still clean and in a colour that could make the sky green with envy. The feeling of sand under his naked feet, the spray caressing his skin, with the sun shining so immensely warm today like it wanted to encourage them.

With eyes full of wonder he turned around, catching Fili watching him with a tender smile gracing his lips.

“Will you show me how to swim?”

“That’s why we are here, isn’t it?”

 

 

 

_The feeling of sand on his naked body. Fili’s laughter dying in a splash of water Kili attacks him with. Droplets gathering in Fili’s beard, making it sparkle in the sunshine. An innocent brush of hands that lingers longer than it should._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Do you have anything in mind?”

Fili placed the small bowls of paint on the ground, where Kili was already kneeling, inspecting the white cloth. It was common among their people to design their own headscarves with the coming of age ceremony. Although it weren’t the years they had lived under this sun that decided when a boy would be called a man. The community announced those changes as soon as the younglings had proven their worth. For Kili such a ceremony had never taken place, but Fili had argued that no one could deny that he was doing a great deed for their folk in just a couple of days.

“Not really…, I want something that represents me, but it’s hard to figure out.”

“Well, you have a couple of clothes to try and I can always fetch some more colours for you.”

Kili nodded. Yes, he could just start and see what happened.

“But if you want a second opinion,” the brunet looked up with surprise, “then let me tell you this. What I see, when I look at you, is kindness and bravery…

 

 

 

 

_Warmth spreading through his chest. Mutual smiles. Colours whirling. Red and blue and green and yellow. A bird, unbending, with spreading wings. A pride smile lined with dimples he wants to taste, but doesn’t dare._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The highest mountain of the area. Kili had heard so many stories about it when he’d been a child. That it was a place to speak with the Gods, with weather so bad no one dared to climb it anymore. A myth it seemed, for today was warm, like all the days before. Ever since he had been chosen no cloud had been seen on the sky, almost as if someone wanted to welcome him. Shaking his head forcefully, he tried to banish such a ridiculous thought, focusing on Fili walking in front of him instead.

Fili seemed to know his way here well, but it didn’t feel very surprising. So far Fili had a solution for every problem. If he truly talked to the Gods, like he claimed, it was easy to guess where that knowledge came from.

Once the way ended, they had to climb. Fili showed him the safe spots to put his hands and feet, which had Kili beaming with excitement. The thrill was unlike everything he had felt before. Neither hunting nor learning to swim had such effects on him, for either he hadn’t been in danger or people like Fili had been with him. Safety was the most meaningful product of trust. Right now Kili had to depend almost solely on himself. Sure, Fili was setting a good example on how to approach these rocks, but it had to be Kili’s own body guiding him through the steps. A slip of concentration, a too weak grip, it could all mean his death and it gave him back some control he’d been sorely missing.

His will to survive had never been stronger than in that moment. It would’ve been easy to let go, to fall to his death, probably without feeling too much pain, but an old spark of stubbornness stirring within him stopped him from such a stupid move. Kili wasn’t keen on imposing his fate on somebody else, especially because they wouldn’t be given two weeks of freedom and besides, he couldn’t repay Fili’s kindness through burdening him with the responsibility for his death. Although he was sometimes amazed how the shamans had allowed Fili to take him on now another dangerous trip. So far he could’ve drowned or lost his life through a fall.

When they finally reached the small rocky plateau on top of the mountain Kili’s hands were slick with sweat. It was worth the strenuous way up, though. His eyes widened at the view. For the first time he saw the land of their people like this. Endless forests stretching as far as he was able to see in the east, while the soft blue of the sea could be spotted in the west, trees that looked like sticks, houses not bigger than pebbles… the world had to be bigger than he ever imagined, if what he knew all is life could appear so small in this very moment. 

“This is amazing,” he breathed. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

“It was your wish. You made this happen.”

 

 

 

 

_A cool breeze cooling overheated skin. A sea of colours right in front of him. Golden hair. Blue eyes. A smile he has never seen before, a smile that is only directed at him._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Are you scared of tomorrow?”

They were huddling in front of a warm fire, back at a lower part of the mountain.

“Yes,” he admitted. Despite knowing what was going to happen to him for some days already, he hadn’t lost his taste for life just yet. “But more than anything I regret not meeting you sooner.”

What a shame, to meet someone he felt drawn to so close before his death. How would he have borne the time without the gentle smiles, silent affection, endless encouragements and patience? Kili would’ve gone mad, lost himself in the unfairness of the situation, perhaps ending it with doing something stupid. But while Fili’s presence had made the inevitable bearable, it turned saying goodbye into a much harder task, for Fili was the only one refusing to be part of the celebrations, the only one remembering him as the man he was and not the sacrifice.

“Do you know how Gods are born?” the question sounded eerily in the dead of the night.

“Gods aren’t born,” Kili replied with a frown.

“Of course they are. Do you think they just come from nothingness?”

“I…,” he started, but unable to continue. What did he want to hear?

Confused he searched for Fili’s gaze. The blond stared thoughtfully into the flames, until he finally looked up. Despite the scarce light of the fire illuminating Fili’s features, Kili could spot the uncertainty in his haunted expression. Licking his lips, as if to prepare them for the next explanation, Fili raised his hand carefully, letting it linger in the air, just before his finger were able to brush over Kili’s temples. In his eyes the brunet found a silent plea for permission. Kili had no idea what was going on, but curiosity and fascination urged him to nod.

The fingers seemed to burn his skin.

 

 

 _He held on tightly to the hand leading him away from the camp and deeper into the night of the forest, with only the light of the moon guiding them through the_ _undergrowth. The way felt longer than it was and they stumbled rather than walking in their need for privacy. Kili moaned in pure delight as he was pushed roughly against the bark of a tree and with his hands fumbling with Fili’s belt he pulled him along easily. The kiss they shared was wet and messy. Kili couldn’t help but giggle at their clumsy attempts. It had been too long since they had done it the last time._

_…_

_His hands were bound and the hunger visible in Kili’s eyes. He was the younger, the reckless fool claiming responsibility for something they had begun in mutual agreement. And they had punished him for his sins._

_They called what they had done disgusting and Kili an abomination that couldn’t be forgiven. They had kept Fili busy while the man he loved suffered, forbidding him to see him or the shamans before the day of the verdict. The sight Kili displayed… no stolen night with him, no kiss, no whispered words of love were worth watching his trembling, broken form._

_“Thus we shall name you the sacrifice and let the Gods decide about your fate,” the shaman hissed._

_Kili wouldn’t look up, just held his head low and accepted his fate with a submissiveness that sent an ice-cold wave of horror through Fili._

_“No!” Fili protested, pushing the hands of the guards away, which tried to stop him. “You can’t do that. It… it was me! He didn’t want any of it, but I told him he would lose his rank if he refused my wishes. I twisted him. It was me! If the Gods have to decide someone’s fate, then it’s mine!”_

_Kili’s head whipped around as if hit, shock and terror haunting his usually soft brown eyes._

_Fili didn’t quite realise what he had done, until Kili’s screams and begging reached his ears and a rough impact forced the blond on his knees._

_…_

_On the day the sacrifice was taking place, Fili held his head high. None but the shamans, a couple of trusted guards and Kili knew how he’d come to be the chosen one for the ceremony. No one cared for the marks of whipping littering his body, nor his gaunt features. For Fili marched to the altar with pride, knowing that his death would safe Kili and there would never be any regret for such a decision._

_Yet his eyes searched for the brunet, forced to watch like all the others and spotted him just behind a wall of guards, lining the ancient site. The rhythm of the drums was picking up speed as Fili lay down readily, his gaze not once leaving the desperation shimmering in Kili’s eyes. He was the only one crying._

_Kili mattered, no one else was important. It was alright._

_“Don’t look,” he mouthed silently._

_But of course Kili wouldn’t waste what little breathing moment they could share to break eye contact now._

 

 

Kili gasped as the memories attacked him. He could feel tears running down his cheeks as the familiar feeling of despair tried to crush him once again. He was crumbling, right in front of Fili, a sob of anguish tearing from his throat. But before he could fall apart, his love was there, pulling him close to let the grief take its course.

There were so many images assaulting his mind, so many years. Living with a piece of him missing, searching for something… for someone, but never finding him. He lived and died and lived and died and it was lonely and cold and every life felt as lost as the one before.

“How long?” he stammered between sobs. Fingers digged in Fili’s warm, naked flesh as Kili’s head tried to understand that he was truly here with him, that this wasn’t some sort of mad dream of a soul slowly tumbling into insanity. Everything of him felt like Fili… smelled like Fili… tasted like him, when Kili’s lips brushed over dried sweat on his skin. Yet it should be impossible to listen for the beating of his heart.

“Five hundred years,” Fili whispered softly. “And I was with you, all this time. I never left, but I couldn’t reveal myself to you. The other Gods wouldn’t have taken kindly to it. But then you were chosen and they granted my wish of becoming your companion in these terrible times.”

“What?” he croaked. As much as he tried to understand, his head was muddled from too many lifetimes, struggling to arrange them in his head.

“The Gods don’t want these sacrifices. But none of the shamans is listening and so we try to make it for those who have to go as comfortable as possible.”

“We?” he frowned, the tears were slowly running dry, leaving his eyes and head hurting.

“If you leave this world without fear… without remorse… with hope and love even, a God is born.”

Kili whimpered with relief as Fili caressed his cheek with a sad but soft smile, dispelling the confusion from his features.

“I hoped if I’m with you, you would become a God as well.”

It took time for all of this to seep into his tired mind. Time to realise that Fili was speaking of a life together they had been denied in the past. But once it hit home, Kili was grateful. It finally made sense why he had felt drawn to Fili all along and despite suffering great injustice in one of their former lives, they were now given a second chance. Although that wasn’t quite right… Fili was _offering_ him one. Kili could return to the cycle of death and rebirth if his feelings had changed in any way. Kili’s peace of mind was more important to his beloved than his own happiness.

But there was no choice, not really. Not for him.

This night neither of them slept.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Fili watched the ceremony with apprehension. He’d never been good at watching Kili die, but this was even worse. For the first time his love wouldn’t die of an old age, but was instead going to be murdered by their tribe. They were foolish to think this could grant them any blessing. The Gods didn’t care much for their survival, for the end was never the end. A bad life once could be followed by hundreds of happiness. Although Fili guessed ignorance couldn’t exist without disadvantages.

He grimaced nevertheless, hearing them sing and celebrate. Hopefully one day they would begin to see reason, even though their ways would part after today.

Taking a deep breath, Fili let his spirit wander, channelling Kili’s, burning so brightly, as he began his march to the altar, and twined it with his. As far as Fili knew few had done this before, but Fili would gladly direct the pain of what was coming into his soul than forcing his beloved through the same agony he’d experienced.

And in the end, he would bear any kind of pain if it just brought him his Kili back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The ceremony had already ended, when Kili opened his lids again to Fili’s outstretched hand asking for his. He looked tired, but a happy smile graced his lips. Without a second thought he reached for it, allowing Fili to pull him away from the altar. Kili didn’t remember much after the first cut, but out of the corner of his eye an angry red colour seemed to scream at him.

“Don’t look,” Fili told him before Kili could turn his head.

This time the brunet complied, glancing instead at the hand holding his. There was no reason to look back, when his future was waiting right in front of him.

 

 


End file.
